i’m probably going to hell for this
12 / 20 / 2009I’ve never posted an email from the parental units before. And I say “units” because they are two entirely separate entities.
But one in particular is causing me serious internal conflict.
The kind of conflict that will probably result in some tiny Christmas fairy getting its wings clipped.
I know. It’s the SEASON FOR GIVING. Where the fuck is my holiday spirit?
Well…when it comes to the fatherly unit, it pretty much withered up and died somewhere between his walking out and numerous failed attempts at a *new* start.
And if you’re new…or if you forgot…Me + Dad = Rocky.
I’m pretty sure I publicly ripped him a new asshole here and here.
My angst is deciding what to to with this email I received yesterday from him. My dad. VERBATIM:
Merry Christmas..
I was thinking… i don’t have to invite you over when M&T come over do i? If i do, then please stop by.
ily Dad
(FYI: M&T = my two younger brothers)
I still can’t decide if that’s an invitation or an insult?
Uhhh…wait. So, you’re basically “thinking” that we should *know* to just “pop in?” Unannounced?
Well…I was just thinking we should show up buck-ass naked and drunk. Does that require a heads-up?
I finally friended him on Facebook awhile ago. So I’ve pretty much screwed myself out of a present this year.
Oh…right. I didn’t get a present last year, either.
Dear Internet: What the hell am I supposed to do? Do we go for the obligatory visit or do we say fuck it?
PS: That was kind of my plea for help suggestions advice an excuse not to go?
When I read his email, this is how I took it: I shouldn’t have to invite you because I know you’ll want to be there to see them – in other words, it’s assumed you’ll be there, but if you’re waiting for an invitation, here it is.
That was just my gut reaction, but that’s me.
So happy that the feed is fixed!!!
oh no, seems like the story about your dad is regularly biting you. if you think you can take it, go over for a couple of hours. if you think it would make matters worse (for you and your emotional life) then don’t go over.
would you have a chance to see your brothers at a different relative? because, you know, it’s also about them somehow.
keep your expectations low, maybe that will help yo to deal with the disappoinments…
Drunk and naked doesn’t sound like a bad approach to me.
Seriously, I’m with Franzi. It might be worth sucking it up for the sake of your bros.
Nice email, sheesh. I agree with Franzi as well, only go if you think you’ll be able to handle it.
Fuck it. The holidays should be about happiness and love, not stress and misery. Don’t put up with shit behavior just because someone is “family”. Do your own thing and you’ll be loads happier.
If I put that email through my enstranged father filter; I can see where he could think that the email was an apporiate invitation.
That being said, as a daughter that doesn’t make it any easier to receive. Where is the, it wouldn’t be the holidays if you two didn’t stop by, we would really love to spend time with you?
As much as I hate to agree with the others that you should go, if you still harbor any hope of developing a relationship with him, you should go.
He reached out in a way that sucks and did not give you what you needed to think this year is going to be any different, but he did reach out. Based on your other posts, this is a new thing for him.
This could lead to a closer relationship one day years down the road or it might not. This may be as deep and as far as the relationship will ever go. If you can accept then go.
That being said, if you have given up hope of having a relationship, then I see no reason for you to go.
If it’s the only way to see your brothers, I’d go. And ignore your Dad while you’re there.
If you can see them some other time during the holidays, I’d go for that instead. That is, if you want to see your brothers.
Love your new digs here Jessica…it’s inspiring!!! And I appreciate your absolutely beautiful honesty.
Well dear, I moved away from my folks because I needed to unfold the me that thrives beyond their influence, beyond the pain too. Pain they didn’t intend. Pain they were shocked to hear I felt (well, not my dad, he wasn’t shocked). They tried their best. Things are much better between us years later. But wow, did I give them hell. Am I sorry now? Yes. I am. But I’m not. Both are true and this is life sometimes, that we reside in the middle of contradictions. I could not be where I am today had I not unfolded the anger and put space between us. I missed a few Christmases and they were not invited to the birth of my youngest. It birthed parts of me unable to breathe before.
Forced relating in fear of future regrets is…guess what…it’s regrettable and draws from fear, not courage, not love, not recognition of why relationship is supposed to birth, not crush us. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-size-fits-all correctness. You can’t fake it. Forgiveness will happen as you continue to stay aware of what matters to you.
Go or don’t. But do whatever you do because you love yourself and have some measure of constructive purpose in what you’re doing. Don’t should your way to your dad’s. Don’t react your way to your dad’s. Unless, of course, you just realllllly want to go butt naked… ;0)
It’s too bad (to put it mildly) that he doesn’t have the wealth to lavish on you a clearly expressed desire to see your precious face. Don’t be controlled by this, respond to your value and know your limitations. Gee, I DO go on…hugs….
Fuck me sideways and call me Sally!
Are we seriously THAT the same when it comes to our dads too?!?!
I see my dad at Christmas, maybe, if he’s lucky and I decide to go after getting the text from one of my two sisters that reads “Are you going to dad’s today?”
He sends the sisters gifts and cards and money for their birthdays/major holidays/a Thursday, but I get nothing except a lovey dovey trying to start fresh with me email at a different time but still annually.
Maybe it’s because I’m the only one who called him an asshole to his face when we all discovered his porn-addiction and repetitive infidelities.
Maybe.
Either that or I’m the cute middle daughter and he can’t bare to compare my sister’s looks to mine on a regular basis.
I’ll vote the latter.
But really, Merry Frick-Frack-Fuckin’ Christmas!
What do you want? Honestly…ask yourself. Do you want a relationship with this man that helped spawn you? If so, then go. Suck it up. Men are often bad communicators. We can’t make them say what we want to hear. But he did say something. If you want a relationship with him go. If you don’t and you want to work on writing him out of your life…then don’t and do your own thing. It’s all about choices. But life is short…make sure the decision you make you won’t regret later. Because he still is your father…like it or not.
eeeesh…. I’m probably not a good person to ask this- I haven’t spoken to my father since… July-ish…. and I’m pretty sure the last time I did the conversation more or less ended on the note of me telling my stepmother to eat a dick….
I’d say I hate my dad- but hating his guts takes too much energy. I made the decision this summer that I’d given him enough chances to be a decent human being and that I was DONE. period. No debate, no discussion- no more cop outs of “but he IS my father…” nope, no more.
I don’t know your dad, I don’t know your situation. I DO know that if he’s hurt you and continues to do so, he WILL keep doing so until YOU make him stop. Usually the only way to do that is to cut off all contact. It’s like any other abusive relationship. You can tell yourself they’re going to change, or that you OWE them for bringing you into this world- the only one who gets hurt by that is YOU.
Naked and Drunk sounds like the way to go. That is what I would do.
This is interesting. I can see it being read like what Lawgirl said.
I can also read it to be I don’t WANT to invite you over but if i HAVE to then I will.
This is why email SUCKS you can read into things, or not read things intended.
I highly doubt he has read your blog(not because it’s not good, just that parents don’t usually). It probably is the “I assume you will come over but if you need an invitation, now you have one.”
However, in the end, if you are not happy with your Dad and can’t work things out to have a good relationship. I don’t think you should put up a front because you feel you have to. If this is not what you want, don’t waste your life trying to make a dad/daughter thing work. Just live in peace that you are okay with that.
Those are my pennies.
I’d go to see my brothers though, totally.
Well, I have a REALLY bad relationship with my father-I haven’t seen him in about 6 years or talked in about 2. That said, I don’t know the whole backstory on you guys.
The email could be read like he feels it should be a given you guys go OR that he’s kind of like whatever, come if you want, I don’t care.
I’m all for getting rid of stress which is why I won’t be seeing any of my family on Christmas and I like it that way. But you need to decide which would be best for you and stand by that decision no matter what.
If you can go without being angry, go.
If not, skip it.
See? Simple.
I’m good at oversimplifying.
Come to my house. Fuck everyone else.
Me and my dad are pretty rocky also. He pretty much expects me to hold up all of the relationship and if I don’t make an attempt, there is no relationship. I’m at the point where I don’t want to just throw away all contact completely, so I soothe over whatever comes up to keep the peace and just don’t deal with him much. If you’re at the point where you just don’t care anymore and could care less to talk to him ever again, then whatever, do what you have to do. But if not, stop by for an hour or something, wish him a Merry Christmas and be on your way. Try not to let his transgressions bother you too much.
I won’t be seeing my Dad this Christmas, he’s spending it with his mistress and her kids, just like last year.
As much as he makes me MAD he is still my Dad.
I think your Dad is trying to say he wants you there with his email, as screwed up as the wording may be.
Guess you just have to decide if you want to be there.
Why can’t parents just be NORMAL?
I’d email him back and be honest,
“I received your email and as it’s difficult to discern tone via the internet I wanted to clarify whether or not you want me to attend when my brothers are there or not.
Please advise.”
“This year, or this month, or, more likely, this very day, we have failed to practise ourselves the kind of behaviour we expect from other people.”
C. S. Lewis said that.
I goes for me, you , and your dad.. An everyone else.
Forgive, and love. Its the only way to live an abundant life.
If you can see your brothers another time (read: not at your father’s), then why bother going over at all? That’s not a real invitation! Send back an RSVP worded similarly … with the response being “no thanks”, of course.
I completely cut my mother out of my life 2 years ago, so I know how good it can feel to not have that to worry about anymore. Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Ya know.
***To the Awesome People Who Left a Comment*** How do I explain the relationship so the email is read WITH all the bullshit and years of…hurt and shitty moments attached?…damn. I guess I can’t, really. What I can say, though, is thank you. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone with all of the parental issues. Thank you for reading the email in a way that is fresh and new and totally counter to how *I* read it. Thank you for the kind words, the kick-my-ass-suck-it-up words and the heartfelt ones. I NEEDED those. More than you probably know…more than I want to have to admit to you. But here I am, waving my little white flag and admitting it. Whether it’s good or bad, I am totally honest with you. I bare my soul…you’re basically living my life…just…well, you know what I mean. Not *technically* but kind of like a book or something…?
I still have to do the *other* part to deal with – which I’m still struggling with – and that’s declining the “invitation.” Let the drama ensue. Yay? I feel like part of the heavy “daddy issues” load as been lifted from my shoulders just from your responses…and it feels awesome. Truly, thank you.
I missed commenting on this earlier, Jessica, and I think that most of those who did gave you wonderful suggestions and sympathy. I agree that it comes down to what you want. If you want a relationship with your Dad, you have to start with today and let go of everything before that. This doesn’t mean letting him walk all over you, it means that you work to create the relationship you want to have with him. If he meets you there, that’s great. If he doesn’t, then you know that you tried. This is definitely a sticky thing… can I recommend some holiday reading of Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations? That book has helped me a ton. I’ll even send you a copy if that makes it easier.
Good luck.
*definitely*
I’m late posting this because I myself was celebrating the holidays with various family members. But you know who I didn’t spend any time with? My father. I haven’t spoken to him since last Thanksgiving (2008) because he was being a royal, selfish, giant, asshole. And you know what? It was nice not having to deal with him.
I’m sorry you had to deal with this. I understand. As a child, my mom worked hard to make sure I had a good relationship with him after their divorce. As an adult, I’ve worked at it for years. I finally came to terms with the fact that the amount of energy-suckage and all-out selfish asshole-ness that he brings to the table isn’t worth it anymore.