Comments on: i’m probably going to hell for this

By: Catherine

Catherine — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 17:10:15 +0000

I’m late posting this because I myself was celebrating the holidays with various family members. But you know who I didn’t spend any time with? My father. I haven’t spoken to him since last Thanksgiving (2008) because he was being a royal, selfish, giant, asshole. And you know what? It was nice not having to deal with him.

I’m sorry you had to deal with this. I understand. As a child, my mom worked hard to make sure I had a good relationship with him after their divorce. As an adult, I’ve worked at it for years. I finally came to terms with the fact that the amount of energy-suckage and all-out selfish asshole-ness that he brings to the table isn’t worth it anymore.

By: dusty

dusty — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:52:18 +0000

*definitely*

By: Daphne

Daphne — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 14:22:11 +0000

I missed commenting on this earlier, Jessica, and I think that most of those who did gave you wonderful suggestions and sympathy. I agree that it comes down to what you want. If you want a relationship with your Dad, you have to start with today and let go of everything before that. This doesn’t mean letting him walk all over you, it means that you work to create the relationship you want to have with him. If he meets you there, that’s great. If he doesn’t, then you know that you tried. This is definitely a sticky thing… can I recommend some holiday reading of Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations? That book has helped me a ton. I’ll even send you a copy if that makes it easier. Good luck.

By: booshy

booshy — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 13:19:58 +0000

***To the Awesome People Who Left a Comment*** How do I explain the relationship so the email is read WITH all the bullshit and years of…hurt and shitty moments attached?…damn. I guess I can’t, really. What I can say, though, is thank you. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone with all of the parental issues. Thank you for reading the email in a way that is fresh and new and totally counter to how *I* read it. Thank you for the kind words, the kick-my-ass-suck-it-up words and the heartfelt ones. I NEEDED those. More than you probably know…more than I want to have to admit to you. But here I am, waving my little white flag and admitting it. Whether it’s good or bad, I am totally honest with you. I bare my soul…you’re basically living my life…just…well, you know what I mean. Not *technically* but kind of like a book or something…?

I still have to do the *other* part to deal with – which I’m still struggling with – and that’s declining the “invitation.” Let the drama ensue. Yay? I feel like part of the heavy “daddy issues” load as been lifted from my shoulders just from your responses…and it feels awesome. Truly, thank you.

By: Shelli

Shelli — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:35:02 +0000

If you can see your brothers another time (read: not at your father’s), then why bother going over at all? That’s not a real invitation! Send back an RSVP worded similarly … with the response being “no thanks”, of course.

I completely cut my mother out of my life 2 years ago, so I know how good it can feel to not have that to worry about anymore. Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Ya know.

By: Bob White

Bob White — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:10:49 +0000

“This year, or this month, or, more likely, this very day, we have failed to practise ourselves the kind of behaviour we expect from other people.”

C. S. Lewis said that.

I goes for me, you , and your dad.. An everyone else.

Forgive, and love. Its the only way to live an abundant life.

By: Cara-Mae

Cara-Mae — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:00:44 +0000

I’d email him back and be honest,

“I received your email and as it’s difficult to discern tone via the internet I wanted to clarify whether or not you want me to attend when my brothers are there or not.

Please advise.”

By: Miss T

Miss T — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 04:46:01 +0000

I won’t be seeing my Dad this Christmas, he’s spending it with his mistress and her kids, just like last year.

As much as he makes me MAD he is still my Dad.

I think your Dad is trying to say he wants you there with his email, as screwed up as the wording may be.

Guess you just have to decide if you want to be there.

Why can’t parents just be NORMAL?

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 02:37:26 +0000

Me and my dad are pretty rocky also. He pretty much expects me to hold up all of the relationship and if I don’t make an attempt, there is no relationship. I’m at the point where I don’t want to just throw away all contact completely, so I soothe over whatever comes up to keep the peace and just don’t deal with him much. If you’re at the point where you just don’t care anymore and could care less to talk to him ever again, then whatever, do what you have to do. But if not, stop by for an hour or something, wish him a Merry Christmas and be on your way. Try not to let his transgressions bother you too much.

By: Aunt Becky

Aunt Becky — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 00:57:55 +0000

Come to my house. Fuck everyone else.