I think I’m finally back on the draft-to-published-reality schedule.  It’s either that or I can’t make myself talk about moving-in-new-house-lots-of-boxes-and-crap-everywhere anymore.

So, I figured, since I didn’t celebrate 2011 by doing some kind of special post, I would share my resolution (That I just made like, yesterday.  Obviously I’m a few days behind): I always make some weight-related goal to hit XXX number.  This year?  This year I want to stop chasing numbers and just be happy and healthy and learn to cook better meals.

That’s it.  My resolution.

Well, that and practice patience.  I think I’m getting worse, not better, in that arena.

Now, onto the lava tube, as requested about a million days ago by A Vapid Blonde

And Jolene, you’re next with dethroning Dooce (oh boy…why oh why did I write that?…I foresee lots of hate mail flying in my direction)

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Remember that trip to Hawaii somewhereabouts last Marchish?

I have lots and lots of untold stories from that trip…like the time we blew out our tire on the (extremely remote with zero gas stations or any other kind of helpful stations) Road to Hana. 

Or the hike down to the red sand beach where my legs decided to cease proper functioning and I went feet over face down a dirt hill with plenty of conveniently placed sharp rocks that led to a ten plus foot drop that I *almost* experienced.  After the scary! danger! part passed, Tim was like, “Seriously?  How did you manage to do THAT?” 

Or the kid we met from Washington state who knew how to grow vegetables and what kind of slugs are good and bad for farming and how to care for all kinds of living things and was lecturing me…ME…twice his age ME on how my “planting and sowing” methods were ALL. WRONG.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.  I can’t even make a chia pet (true story), so whatever you’ve got going on over in the W-A, it’s probably way better than my feeble attempts with anything that is supposed to either A: become green and flower or B: breathe.

And then?  Then there’s the lava tube on Maui.

I mean, I know there are plenty of lava tubes all over Maui and all of the other islands, being that they all came from a volcano in the first place, but this particular tube…was special.

First off, the tube was near a beach with the blackest sand I have ever seen.

And the beach had all of these massive rocks right off the shore that had been pummeled for….awhile.  To the point where some were now only arches instead of a big behemoth of a boulder.  The waves would break on them and – when the timing of the wave was juuuust right, it would make this deep, reverberating sound that would shake the ground beneath you as it smashed against the rock and created a giant plume of white spray.

Tim and I ventured way closer (than was probably safe or sane) than this picture depicts.  However, I want you to understand the scale of how big the waves really were.  Do you see that tiny person WAAAAAY down there? Near the rocks where the wave is crashing?  That’s where we went.  And that’s how big the waves were.  The dude looks like a little peon.

Put simply: if you were between the wave and the rock, you’d become the rock.

We stood where that tiny dude was for quite awhile, watching the waves with me all, “Honey! Here comes one! GET YOUR CAMERA READY!”

This black sand beach is also the place where Tim introduced me to the taste of raw, freshly sliced coconut dipped into luke warm salt water.

MOUTH. WATERING. HEAVEN.

This lava tube place also had a blow hole (What?  It’s what they’re called. Swear) that was conveniently located in an area that someone could walk right up to and fall in.  Which would result in their permanent position between lava rock and the water that shoots up the tube at speeds fast and powerful enough to shoot water a few stories into the air.

However, if the water is calm, you could potentially fall in without even knowing, since it isn’t exactly obvious that there’s a big break in the rock.  What with zero warning signs like, “WATCH OUT. HOLE IN ROCK.” or “CERTAIN DEATH AHEAD” or “KEEP GOING AND YOU’LL SOON LEARN REGRET.”

And then there were the lava tubes. 

Mini life science/geology lesson for those who are all, “lava tube?  WTF?”

Lava tubes are created when hot, molten lava is on the move from an active volcano.  They’re basically like big underground storm drains for the lava flowing out of the volcano.  Only a billion times hotter.  Once the lava stops flowing, the “tube” is left empty and eventually cools.  Some tubes are small.  Some are massive.  Like this one:

And some now hold water and probably creatures, like the ones at this place with the black sand and big waves.

The tube goes back a lot farther…but I don’t seem to have a picture of that.

Anyhow, Tim and I went exploring (read: walked a paved, marked trail) to look at the lava tubes.  There were other people ahead of us, coming our direction, down this long, tall flight of stone steps.

Tim and I were at the bottom of the staircase and the other people somewhere at the top.  To the left was this small, muddy path to what looked like another lava tube.

Me: “Honey! Let’s go!”

Tim: “I’m coming…one second.”

Me: “But, it’s another tube!”

Tim: “One. Second.”

(I think he was taking pictures….of something)

I took it upon myself to start walking the little trail alone all, “Fine.”  I  mean, this tube looked crazy huge and since I currently had zero patience (note above), I started to go down the trail by myself.

POOR.

DECISION.

I rounded the corner of the trail, looked up to check my progress and BLAM!

I see this guy, tall and skinny, makes-pale-face-me-look-like-a-little-sun-browned-beauty literally pop out of nowhere from behind a rock by the lava tube I was trying to reach all, “balalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa!” He had the jazz hands going and everything.

(actually, he *could* have said “oh, shit!” or something else equally, if not more, vulgar, but all I heard was his penis talking)

He was buck ass naked.

And he sure as hell wasn’t a local.

Native or transplants, no one living in Hawaii is THAT. WHITE.

And secondly, for fun, teenage Hawaiian native guys go cliff jumping into the water between sets of waves.  They don’t go streaking in ‘tubes.

I stood there for probably longer than was appropriate, trying to figure out exactly what had just happened while the dude ran away – back to the cover of the lava tube – while his friend – who I never did see – could be heard laughing hysterically.

Tim comes up behind me all, ”Well, come on!  Let’s go already!”

Me: We…we can’t! Stop! Nooooo!

Tim: First you were all hurry up already and now you’re not? Um? Assplain?

Me: Because….because…….

Tim: Spit it out, already.

Me: Because….

Tim: Seriously. WTF?

Tim pushes ahead of me and starts down the trail toward the full moon.

Me: HE’S NAKEY!

Tim: He’s WHAT?

Me: You didn’t see that?!  He ran out…all twigs and berries and jazz hands…you didn’t SEE THAT? How did you miss THAT?!

Tim: Miss what?….wait. What? You saw his twigs and his berries?

Me: He’s NAKEY!

Tim: You just said you saw his twig…along with the berries?

Me: Yes, yes….totally….one hundred percent NAKEY.

Tim: Was he….well…you know…

Me: I don’t know!

Tim: You said you SAW them!

Me: That doesn’t mean I made mental comparisons!  It…it all happened so fast!

Tim: Hairy? Long? Short? The twigs and the berries, you said?

Me: We’re going now.  No more twigs OR berries for me. Or you.

We start walking up the stairs, Tim muttering all, “the twigs and the berries…huh…AND the berries?…..” we passed the family who was ahead of us.  As the woman in the group walked by, she looked at us all, “Did you SEE THAT?  Double twigs and berries! DOUBLE!”

Well, damn.  Apparently, she was in a position to get the full show.