business trips + working late =
3 / 18 / 2011I don’t know how many of you fit into the Spouse Who Stays Home category…but I do. When we lived in Georgia, Tim didn’t travel much for work. Actually, he traveled *maybe* once a year…twice if things were really out of whack.
Now? In Colorado? With his new job?
He’s was gone for part of February…I think he went somewhere in January…yes! January was a weeklong trip to Texas (shoutouts to my Texan crowd!). He’s already gone on a business trip once this month and is slated to leave again soon. And there’s already a weeklong trip sometime in May to someplace on the East coast (and depending on where that is, I may just be going with…deets on a meetup with anyone who will be wherever we will be are TBD…because they haven’t even decided where they’re going yet…).
Point is: he travels a lot more, now. A LOT MORE.
Now, don’t mistake this as an all out rant…I’m supportive. Suprisingly, I am ok with it. I accept it as part of what he has to do to get where he wants to go. Climb that ladder, baby! I’ll help push you up!
I (finally) understand that with each rung of the ladder you reach, the more the job demands. It’s tough – don’t get me wrong – to have a good balance between work and home…but we try. Well, Tim tries. I sit at home and punch out words on a laptop. I know. My life is SO. HARD.
This new job also requires Tim to be at work for forever. I mean, the man gets up at 4:20am, leaves at 5:45am and most of the time? He doesn’t even leave until 4:30 or 5:00pm. And sometimes he comes home and then, after a few hours, has to go BACK to work at some crazy hour to meet with the third shift for one reason or another and comes home for the second time and rolls into bed around 2:00am. And then, other times, he has to stay at work until 8:00 or 9:00pm.
He works his ass off. Somebody needs to pay him more….give him some kind of award…something.
Anyhow, I have managed to mature enough (though I’m still not entirely *mature*…I told Tim the other day that I was still the dorky, terrible joke teller Cheez-it) to be comfortable with our relationship where I don’t get all freaked out when, for example, parts of a business trip call for his presence in a “hospitality room” with lots of alcohol and loose lips. I trust him implicitly. I know he would never do anything – and I mean anything - to hurt me. Plus, he doesn’t drink enough to get loose lips…he likes to be “lucid” and considers those types of activities “work.” Yay for him!
This concept of me being ok with all of this is a big – no, a monumental - step for me, because as I’ve told Tim, I’ve never – EVER - trusted someone enough to where I didn’t get upset or jealous or suspicious when they were somewhere that I could not keep my eye on them. If boyfriends of old didn’t call or check in when they were supposed to, I automatically assumed they were doing something wrong. They were kissing some other girl. They were out galavanting. They were cheating. I just KNEW they were – even if they weren’t.
When Tim and I first started dating, he was lumped into that category. I freaked out when he left. I freaked out if he didn’t call when he was supposed to (even though one time it was because he was in the UK and didn’t even have a phone that worked on international calls…but that didn’t matter…I was still irrationally pissed). I blame all of this on my dad. I know it doesn’t seem fair for me to put all of my issues on one person, but before my parents divorced, he would abruptly decide he was “going to get milk” at some random time after dinner and not come home for HOURS.
Turns out, he was getting “milk” from some other woman…
(that came out so much worse than I meant it…but I figure you should hear it exactly as I’m thinking it…why censor now?)
I am not sure how this happened…how I learned to trust Tim and shove all of those irrational fears away, but through lots of trial and error…lots of heated discussions…and many, many nights where I cried myself to sleep out of sheer frustration, not understanding why I kept beating Tim up for things that he never did to me…for accusing him of things best left for someone in my past, I am FINALLY able to kiss Tim goodbye, talk to him for a few minutes each night he’s gone and not hear from him at all the rest of the time and I’m one hundred percent fine. No biggie. No issue. No worries. No jealousy, no fear. Nothing but love and prayers for a safe flight to and from his destination.
And this feeling of absolute trust?….It is so freeing! I’ve never experienced it before Tim. I never even knew it existed. I didn’t realize you could trust somebody like that. I didn’t realize that was PART of a relationship.
Tim gave that to me. It is one of the greatest gifts I never knew I could have as my own…to share with someone. With Tim.
To me, that feeling is almost as wonderful as love. Actually, now that I’ve been on both sides of the trust wall, I really don’t think you can truly love someone unless you have that kind of trust between each other.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get all dolled up for a lunch date with Tim, who cleared his calendar at work to make some time for *us* today.
Happy Friday!
Oh…and if you’re into sunrises, be sure to check out my project this year on photobucket: 365 days of sunrises.
Ha! This was me years ago. We have been married 19 years and I went through the same phase. These days I almost push him out the door, okay not really. I hate to see him leave, but I completely understand and trust him completely.
Hope you make it our way sometime!! I will let you know when we make it to yours. I am a stay at home spouse as well, for now anyway.
I’ve been On both sides too and the trust side is the fun side. The right combination is so sexy!
My guy travels for work a lot too. Learn to embrace your time alone so that it goes by faster – work out more, explore with your doggins, find a new hobby, make yourself food that you know he won’t like, take a class, write a book. You have a lot of time to be with yourself which might sound lonely but it gives you a chance to learn more about yourself.
He works like my dad does… Only my dad has a dead end job, working over 70 hours a week with barely any pay. Gotta love the car business.
You said galavanting. I fell in love. Just a little. I adore that word.
Julie: I hope we do, too!…so pumped you actually visit Denver more regularly than we do OK…definitely let me know when you’ll be in town!
A Vapid Blond: it is! And I’m so glad I’m on the sexy side now!
Brooke: yes…all of those things are wonderful ideas! The one I’ve yet to try is eating something he doesn’t like. I need to put that one on my list.
Nysoonergirl: it’s such a great word…so fun to say! Galavanting.
Ugh, I am sorry about those long work hours! You are a trooper for being so supportive, I am sure it is tough sometimes. As for trust, I don’t blame you at all given your past experiences, but I am glad that you have that between you. that is huge for any couple, especially married. Trust IS freeing. I’d so much rather foster trust than constantly worry.
jobo: (my iPhone autocorrects “jobo” to “hobo” just, you know, FYI
)…anyway, I hope you’re on the way to building that kind of trust with M, if you haven’t already!
Trust is a great thing. It happens and it is so cool to know that I am not going to do anything to break that trust with my wife and she is not going to do anything to break with me. I guess it is how I have worked all over the east coast with her in NY and she knew that SHe is and always will be my soul mate for life. Now we are in the same town and I work a complete opposite shift – she works am and I work pm so we make our weekend time major quality time. BUt it is so nice to be at this level – 14 yearss worth
Guy: that’s truly incredible. I would have a hard time with the distance for long periods of time…not because of trust but because I’d probably miss seeing Tim every day! And for you…14 years to boot! That’s awesome!
It’s true what they say: “Once bitten, twice shy.” Or is that from a bad 80s hairband song? In any case, I get what you’re saying. It’s so hard to leave the trust baggage from previous relationships at the door. It’s a constant struggle for me for sure.
msbrookie: I hear that. It’s like I wanted to dump all of that baggage on Tim and make him either carry it or prove me otherwise.
You’ve got it pegged. You can’t really love someone until you trust them like that. Good for you that you’ve gotten to that point! My husband generally only travels for work about once a year. Maybe more now that he’s started teaching workshops, but he does work crazy hours and deals with all kinds of people. Sometimes I still get really angry that he’s gone so much (like the other night when he missed dinner the huge sit down dinner I cooked). And I definitely think he deserves more pay but I’ve gotten more comfortable with myself and appreciate the time it gives me to focus on my writing.
Congratulations on your newfound maturity. Took me a loooong time to get there too.
♥Spot
I think that trust thing comes with settling into a relationship and feeling comfortable. I believe when people cheat, it’s for reasons that come deep within them. I learned when I was single that the cheating type of men don’t act married. They always have that “single” look to them…and men who are faithful are usually completely closed off to other women. They might flirt, sure, but there’s a wall there that lets everyone know, right up front, they’re taken. I’m guessing your Tim is one of those guys. Plus, in my experience traveling for work, you just don’t have that much opportunity unless you go looking for it. You spend all day in board rooms and meetings and whatnot and at night, you’re so drained you barely have time to do anything but drop into bed and fall asleep, just to start over again the next day.
Spot: congrats to you, too! I feel so grown up…being “mature” and all.
I miss you!
Stephanie: two really good points. I agree on the “acting single” point of view – two of my ex-boyfriends were like that, even after a few years together. And business trips are exhausting! It’s like you have to be “on” all the time.
Trust comes with being comfortable in your own skin, or so I believe. It is also a sign of unconditional love. Of course, I am currently dating my ex-husband -so I might be off somewhere in there.
So happy to hear you and your husband are finding a groove. He sounds like a keeper.