complicated.
4 / 06 / 2011***Please don’t read too much into this. It’s mostly a mini-venting session with myself***
Why does life get so complicated? I mean, you would think that after awhile, things would settle down and we’d all be in a grassy field, holding hands and happily skipping around in a circle, singing and laughing.
But nooooooooooooo.
Instead, we’re running through that field like our hair is on fire, screaming.
The same goes for relationships, I think. Why is the beginning the LEAST complicated of the entire journey? The beginning is the time when you look back and think, “Wow. That was so much fun. How do we get back to THAT?”
I know. That’s just the way life is, right? That is the bargain…the deal you strike with a relationship. In the beginning, there is no baggage between the two of you. There is no history. No real love. There isn’t anything…but you. And him.
Fast forward six months…a year…ten years.
Complicated.
Maybe it’s all how you handle it. But, still, that history just keeps piling up. Those moments, memories, arguments and happy times. They never go away. They become you…your relationship…your life.
I feel like I give all of me to a relationship – friendship or otherwise. I put everything into it until I feel like I can’t give anymore. And if that kind of trust feels like it has been betrayed? I retreat inside myself. I go back to me. I take away what I’ve handed out and I give it back…to me.
I’m working on communication. Verbal, mostly. I struggle with that…with sharing my feelings using the right words and remembering the right bit of a conversation I am trying to reference…recalling the word that fits the emotion I am feeling. I know, based on what I say on my blog, it seems like I should always have the right thing to say…but I don’t. The words disappear from my mind in the heat of the moment…in that instant when you’re watching a movie and you know exactly what one character should say to another, but the words never seem to make it out of their mouth and you’re sitting there thinking, “Why? You KNOW what you need to say!”
But they don’t.
That is me.
All the time.
I can’t find the words.
So I say nothing. The moment is gone. And I’m left with those feelings, still inside of me. Still stinging. Still wanting to come out but not sure how.
I need patience. I need someone who can sit there and let me struggle to find those words without judging. Without telling me I’m remembering something incorrectly and without jumping in to say their peace, causing me to lose my words…the words I am so desperately trying to find.
The words I’ve lost.
The “moment” can always be revisited. People always think when the “moment” is gone it’s gone forever. Not true!! Just as a book can be opened over and over, so too can the moments of our lives.
When the words come to you, bring your moment back, because it’s important to take notice of our moments. It helps to uncomplicate things.
I feel like that a lot. And I keep waiting for life to become less complicated, but it never seems to do that. Bummer.
I’m sorry you are struggling with this right now in your life. You have captured it perfectly though, I know exactly what you mean. I struggle with verbal communication in that moment where whatever you say could fix it or could get a dialogue going that needs to be said. Sometimes I shy away from it because I don’t want to confront it, so I let it go. It’s a tough balance and a bad habit (for me).