uninspired: tabula rasa
4 / 28 / 2011Uninspired.
That about sums it up.
I used to LIVE for this blog. I could not wait to write to you about anything and everything. I loved your responses and I loved giving you more…generously and willingly feeding the monster…the blogging monster.
And now? Now I struggle to do this. I can’t seem to find the words.
It isn’t that I don’t love blogging. It is that I cannot seem to…is this writer’s block? Is this what it feels like?…where you TRY to come up with something to say or a way to say it and…pfft.
Nothing.
I partially blame this on stress. Well, writing stress. I feel so much pressure – mostly generated internally – to do this whole “write a book” thing. And I sit down to try and write…I get nowhere. The words I manage to write down are rambling and aimless. I can’t figure out how to end the book. I can’t seem to get it together.
I’m floundering. In words.
It is like the stress of trying to write a book is actually making it worse. It is making me unable to write anything. And this is sad, because I love writing. If I have a specific project to write about, then blam! I’m golden. I can do that.
Except, there aren’t too many specific projects going on right now. This is partially why I have my Sex and the City Sunday posts. It gives me a defined topic. It helps.
Then…THEN seeing things like, “saying you’re writing a book is the new ‘I’m going to be an actor’” only sends me farther down the spiral of doom. I feel like I am wasting time. No, I AM wasting time because I still haven’t finished this damn book – try as I might.
I’m frustrated. I want to do this.
Why am I struggling so much?
Why is this so hard?
Why do I feel like it will all be for naught?
What if I fail?
What if nothing happens?
What if…
This is where I am. I sit down, I try to write something or come up with an outline for my book or an ending and…tabula rasa.
I’ve perfected the blank slate.
I AM the blank slate.
Someone please pull me out of this.
Write on my slate.
I had a similar sort of moment last year… Wrote about it and the revelation here, http://www.freakbacon.com/archives/392...
I know it’s not like you can just say, “Stop putt so much pressure on yourself!” I know it’s not that simple. But you really should write what you love. Something I do that helps me is I keep a little moleskine in my purse and when old stories come up, I jot down a note to remind myself to write about them.
I feel out of the loop because I don’t know what this book is about — but whatever it is, if it doesn’t fit, don’t force it! Maybe part of your journey in this whole “write a book” thing is to realize that you don’t have to write it end-to-end… Or you might change the direction/topic/style altogether. It’s all apart of the journey, friend.
I TOTALLY get how you feel though. Just… bleh.
Aww! I think you are pressuring yourself too much here! This is your personal space. Write when you want, don’t when you don’t. Maybe you are struggling because you want to focus your blog on one thing, not many? I think it’s pretty focused, personally, but I say that as I sort of struggled with this too, on my old blog. After my divorce was over and it wasn’t ‘me’ anymore, I wasn’t sure what to write about or where I wanted to go. So I started my new blog, and while it’s still similar, it felt like the change I needed. Maybe the refocus will help you ah, focus? XO!
I feel the same way about blogging. But honestly, reading anything you write is great and I enjoy it. I like seeing your updates on FB about this blog and reading all about your life! Not that I’m a stalker, I just like the way you write. Keep on writing. You will finish your book and it will be awesome!!
Oh wow. Once again, for how much you and I are different people we have so many of the same stories. When I was off of work for all those months I STRUGGLED with the writing thing. Like when Hardscape would walk in the door and ask how the writing was going…eff…it isn’t that easy just to sit and do. The blank page and the cursor blinking back at me would make me crazy. It is tough. I understand.
I learned a cool little technique in my writing class. Basically you set a timer and just write. Start out with 5 minutes, then build up to longer amounts of times. But you have to stop when the timer goes off. If you want, you can use prompts like I am…, You are…, We are here because…, The worst thing in my life right now is…. Try not to think too hard about what you are writing, just put something down. Write on a piece of paper in all caps. It helps you focus on the formation of the letters and not what you are writing. You can edit it later. I don’t think it’s the only way to write (some people do) but it’s a good way to get going again.
Jami: Thanks, girl! That helped. Truly. Thank you. And bleh is EXACTLY how I feel!
jobo: I’ve lived my life pressuring myself too much. It’s like…I want…to feel accomplished so badly that I’m missing out on the every day – which includes all kinds of amazing things I never give myself enough credit for. And maybe…refocus will equal focus.
breeza: You are one of my first ever readers…and can I tell you how much what you said means to me? Well, LOADS, to put it in British speak. And thank you so much for the vote of confidence.
Shannon: One of my other early adopters.
I’m glad I am not the only one going through this (or to have gone through this). It helps to know I am not alone!
Maureen: That is a FANTASTIC idea!! I have never been keen on prompts…but at this point, I think they’ll probably help me a bunch. And also true: I definitely need to turn my brain off of the “is this good enough?” mode while I am writing. It’d probably make things much easier.
Thank you gals! I really appreciate your kind words!