did you settle? (a life changing realization)
5 / 08 / 2011***Happy Mother’s Day to all you mom’s out there! And I am absolutely positive you’ll want your children to do anything but settle!***
“The Turtle and the Hare”
In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?
The age old question that has the ability to haunt us for years: Did I make the right choice or did I settle?
Settling.
It has such a negative connotation.
I settled.
Why does this happen? Why do we settle? Why don’t we try to give ourselves the best possible option – even if it means fighting for it?
Instead of being all, “Eh. Okay, I guess…” why is it so hard to say, “No. This is absolutely not acceptable.”
I’m not talking compromise, here. I’m talking zero compromise…giving up your point of view…your opinion…your true feelings…for someone else. Or to avoid conflict.
I really don’t have the answer. I’m just as guilty of saying, “No. It’s fine. Really.” when in my brain I’m thinking, “No. It really is NOT fine.” It seems to be that the easier answer is the one that will appease the offending party instead of saying what you really think because saying what you really think may cause conflict.
And most of us view conflict as something to be kept in a corner to never be disturbed.
This includes our decision making on boys (or girls for you men out there).
At some point, we figure we cannot possibly land the starting quarterback (or head cheerleader), so we settle for second string. Or third. Or someone in the band.
(For the record, band people are awesome and should never be overlooked or shoved into the “uncool” box. My brother is in the band and is going to be a famous drummer one day, I am sure of it)
Granted, that band nerd might be your perfect match. But what if they’re not? What if you go through life and always settle for the band nerd? You never put yourself out there and tell your Prince Charming, “Hello?! I’m right here and you need to take me out on a date. Tonight. Just because you think I’m not up to your level, you NEVER. KNOW. See you at seven.”
We stay with that other boy. The one who isn’t exactly right but, “Eh. He’s okay…I guess…” We don’t tell that boy how we really feel. We stay in the relationship with zero potential. We stay because it feels comfortable. We stay because it is easier than being alone.
We stay. We settle.
I’ve been so, so guilty of this…more than once. My “staying” in these relationships lasted to a point where conflict was so unavoidable that, at the end, the death of the relationship was caused a full on nuclear explosion – MY explosion. I didn’t just voice my opinion, I up and walked out, never to speak to the person again. I destroyed any and all evidence of our relationship. I deleted emails, burned pictures and trashed mementos – all without a second thought.
No record. I wanted zero reminders of the fact that I was actually stupid enough to waste YEARS of my life in a relationship that could best be defined as poison to my soul.
Why didn’t I just say something?
Why did I settle?
One word: Fear
It was like a double edged sword for me. I was afraid to tell the person how I truly felt and I was afraid to be alone, even though, deep down, I wanted to be alone…I wanted to be free of that relationship. I needed to get out - I knew it wasn’t good for me. My inner self was clawing at my the walls of my heart, desperately trying to break free.
But instead of womaning up and saying, “this really isn’t working,” I stayed. I settled until my inner voice couldn’t take it anymore and exploded. Literally exploded. The bits and pieces of the relationship gone sour were splattered all over the place. Destroyed beyond recognition.
I am still learning how not to settle. Even though now, it isn’t boys I’m settling on. It is preferences or options or differing opinions. It’s like I need to take a class on conflict. I need to be physically placed into a situation where conflict is unavoidable. Throw me in with the sharks and make me fight until I’m so comfortable with conflict that it doesn’t cause me to shrivel up in fear.
It is a work in progress.
I am a work in progress.
But, at least I know that I’ve been compromising my own happiness and well-being by settling. By NOT voicing my opinion regardless of the consequences.
And as our good friend GI Joe says, “knowin’s half the battle”
Now, I have to wonder…what is it that you settle on?
Hi Jessica! Thanks so much for your comment on my blog.
The idea of settling…so many layers to this…one thing I KNEW I would never “settle” on was who I would marry. I don’t know why or how I knew this (other than watching my mom settle on her first two husbands – the first ended badly, the second was disastrous). I also watched my maternal grandparents who loved each other so much and were married for nearly 61 years, until my grandmother died.
Somehow I just knew I would not settle and marry “whoever asked.” And I didn’t. I married a man who loves me the way I need to be loved, who loves me the way my grandfather loved my grandmother. I am very, very lucky.
Raisel: Thank you for returning the favor!
And you are SO MUCH SMARTER than a lot of women (and maybe some men, too) out there who, for one reason or another, think, “eh. I guess…” instead of really GOING for what they want in a relationship…and in life in general. It takes a strong person to be able to do that without crumbling. It seems like you are in that small percentage. 
Settling is so tough to swallow once you realize it. Ya know? I see friends do that, and I just want to shake them. But it’s something only THEY can realize and change. Not something I can do for them, ya know? I try NOT to settle and to always strive for more. Sometimes setting is easier, though, isn’t it?
This is an interesting topic for me because one of my biggest fears is settling. And it does have a negative connotation, though I don’t think it’s always negative. I think that short-term settling is okay. Sometimes you have to settle before you can move up to where you want to be.
Gah, I can’t really explain it well.
At any rate, what I really wanted to say was that sometimes I think that “we” end up settling because we don’t actually know what “we” want or “we” are afraid of what we want. Not because we can’t do better or we aren’t good enough.