the real reason i’ve been so impersonal
5 / 12 / 2011Ok. Here it is. Maybe if I write about it, I’ll get over it and then we can all get along and sing in happy circles. Or something like that.
I feel like I’m about to vomit. The truth, raw and real, is always hard to swallow.
I’m pretty sure I’ve already talked about how hard this move out to Colorado has been. And it really hasn’t gotten any easier. I mean, I have gotten to the point of saying “Hi” to people at the gym and some of them know my name…but that isn’t all of it. That isn’t even half of it.
Tim will probably kill me for writing this…but it is what it is, right?
(and FYI: I vetted this with Tim before it posted…so obviously he didn’t kill me)
This move…Tim’s new job stress and lack of any energy because of the ass kicking he gets every day…it all has taken this huge toll on us. It’s not like we’re on the verge of divorce or anything crazy like that. We’re just struggling with trying to find balance and make time for each other and to not let our tempers get the best of us.
It is hard for me to talk about this because I feel like Tim and I have been an example to many of you for what a “good marriage” is supposed to look like. Yet, here we are, floundering. Struggling. Having “conversations.” Trying to make this work. It is exhausting.
It is really hard for me to not want to crawl into a hole and wait it out. That is what I’ve always done in the past. I withdraw. I disappear. I think it will all just go away if I don’t think about it and ignore what is staring at me right in the face. So, that’s what I’ve been doing. And it has been eating me alive from the inside out. You may wonder why I work out so much…it is the only thing that lets me disengage from this reality that I don’t know how to fix.
I feel so bad because here Tim and I are…you thinking everything is just ducky while we’re scratching our heads, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I mean, we can pinpoint the obvious: Tim and his new job. Uprooting ourselves. Change. Change. Change.
It is HARD, y’all. It is so much more than adjusting. It is so much more than being patient or understanding. It is the biggest challenge I have ever faced, yet in the same breath, it is the first time I have EVER faced such a challenge. It is like the perfect storm of marital woes.
I don’t know what it means to “work through” rough patches. I always ran away…because I could…because it was easier…because it is what I was shown as a child when marriage gets hard.
And then there is Tim, who grew up with parents who stuck it out even when things were difficult. We come from two different worlds when it comes to relationships. Two totally different worlds.
I am realizing that I am having a hard time joining his world. It isn’t easy to just up and jump ship from what is comfortable…from what I have always done. The only reason I haven’t run away from this whole situation, screaming, is because I don’t want to. I honestly, truly do not want to give this up. Inside of me, deep down, where the truth really lies, this IS what I want. And no matter how ugly it gets or how irritated or annoyed of distant I become from or at Tim, I love him. I am so glad I married him. He will always be my very best friend. Even if, right now, it feels like we are in two different galaxies, I have to believe it will get better with time and with some effort to MAKE it better.
I push people away when things get rocky. I retreat. I try to internalize everything – even though I KNOW that is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. I try to be a pleaser instead of voicing what I really think. And if I DO venture out of my comfort zone and voice what my real opinion is and I’m shot down or accused of trying to argue? I shut down. I redouble my retreating effort. If I make an attempt at opening up and then I am rejected? It certainly doesn’t make me want to try again.
Does this happen with Tim? Sure. Yes. But what is it that I fail to see? That when this DOES happen and I point it out, the first words out of his mouth are, “I’m sorry. I was wrong to say that. You’re right.”
So why do I continue to retreat when he willingly opens himself up enough to admit his mistake?
It is because I am falling back on my old habits. It is not because he made a mistake and apologized for it. Tim is trying to do the right thing in that situation and I’m shunning it. I shouldn’t do that. I recognize I am doing it, yet I have a hard time pulling myself out of the “old ways” and wo-manning up to brush it off and say, “Thank you” and then getting over it, right then and there, and moving forward.
Lately, everything has felt like a knock on my ability to be a decent human being. I mean, for example, Tim says we need to do X around the house and my first instinct is to become defensive, thinking it is a knock on my abilities to “manage” things around the house while he is at work. And sometimes, the things he says we need to do I cannot even DO ON MY OWN. I mean, I am sure I could DO anything if I really wanted to, but there are some things that he should probably be there to supervise, especially when it comes to using electronic equipment or sharp objects. Sure, I could probably DO MORE around the house, but that really shouldn’t mean I am an absolute failure at house management 101. And it shouldn’t mean that I feel guilty every second I am not doing something I consider “productive.”
But that is how I take those kinds of comments right now. Like a blow to the ability. It isn’t rational, I know. It is my own self-perpetuating cycle of shitting on myself. I am trying to pull myself out of that cycle. It is all negative. It is unhealthy. It is not the person I want to be.
Yet it is hard. It is more change. Yes, change for the better, but change nonetheless. It is a change from something I have done for almost 30 years.
That in and of itself is a hard habit to break and an even harder one to admit.
I have so much growing to do. I have so much to learn. I am trying to learn patience. I am trying to love where I am in life. I am trying not to feel like a failure. I count successes almost like people collect material objects. Success to me is so fleeting. I have to change my outlook on success…on accomplishments…on life.
Right now, it is like I cannot focus on a single task because I sit there and think of ten million OTHER things I could be/should be/ought to be doing to be successful (whatever that means). I’ve never had to work so hard to feel good about something I’ve done. It isn’t like I never get positive reinforcement. Tim will tell me I did a nice job…but I don’t hear that. I hear, “Nice job but it could have been better.”
It’s the cycle of shit, striking again.
I need to slow down. Take a breath every once in awhile. Focus on something and turn off all of the other noise.
I have to learn how to appreciate everything I have…everything Tim and I have. Because we are blessed. I know that. I just don’t celebrate that enough. I take it for granted. I participate in the negativity instead of trying to engage both Tim and I in more positive conversations.
I cannot retreat anymore. I’m waving my white flag. I’m surrendering.
It is more than necessary. It is vital. I am tired of what has become Tim and my status quo. If I want more out of our relationship and out of life, am I not entitled to that? Is is not my right to want the absolute best for both my marriage and myself? Is it not both Tim and my jobs as husband and wife to participate in the things the other person enjoys and support those activities, even if we really don’t enjoy said activity as much as the other person? Should we not be sacrificing part of ourselves for the good of our marriage? Compromise more, walk away less?
Should we not throw ourselves into the fire? Is that not what we signed up for that when we said, “I do?”
I have to stop fighting myself. I am getting in my own way…and I am getting in the way of my marriage.
This is the cold, hard to face and admit truth. This is my writers block.
I’m laying myself bare…in hopes of this being a step forward to take some personal responsibility and do the hard part: Admit to my shortcomings and change.
Wow. What a real post. So honest and true and bare (good word). I admire you for putting yourself out there, I know you must be in SUCH an internal battle over things. I can relate to you – especially the part about being “that couple” amongst your friends that everyone admires so much. We are “that couple” too. And we have gone through our share of “Rocky moments’ though most would never know it. But you know what? THAT is what marriage is about. It’s work. It’s hard. It’s WORTH it. What you two are going through right now is not surprising given the amount of change you are both facing. Especially for you since you are not used to “working on things” vs. running away from them. So you need to both face that flight desire AND face working on things with your husband. Two big battles. But battles that are worth it, ultimately. 10000% worth it. Hang in there, ok?
Wow. I commend you for laying it out there, in all that it is. That is HARD. It is HARD not to want to sugarcoat it because at the core of it, you two ARE the epitome of how to do marriage right.
Truth is, you STILL are. Even more so now because you are admitting that there are some things you need to work on. Rather than running away or retreating, you are facing it. That is the difference between success and failure. I am proud of you. I have faith in you, in both of you. you got this, you always do. Wish I could reach through and hug you!
Way to go for posting this; I hope it helped you in some way? I also NEEDED to read this. For reasons I don’t share on my blog, sometimes things with Knight and I really, really hard (like this week). And we are struggling a little bit (we have big, big changes coming up to as I think you know) and sometime it is easier for me to shut it/him out rather than work on it. So I’m trying really hard to pinpoint WHY I get upset and what I can do to fix it. It’s hard. So hard. But Knight and I? Are committed to make it happen and work, which it sounds like you and Tim are.
And you are facing this head-on and the last few paragraphs about compromise and working together and hard, well, that shows me you are committed to making it work/facing it.
Always an email away if you need/wish to vent anymore.
All relationships go through changes! Including the relationship you have with your parents, friends, co workers, and your spouse. Why?
Because no one stays the same, we’re all on our own individual life journey. I’m not the 19 yr old girl Tony married, and thank God for that!
Moving across the courtry, not working outside the home, trying to find new friends for BOTH of you in a new culture! Let’s face it, you’re from the South! Now your living in the West, all by itself, that’s HUGE!
Maybe-and how would I know this far from you-it’s not being impatient with the marriage, but with TIME. Being comfortable with change takes TIME. Jessica,
grade yourself on a curve, time will take care of most of what you’re worrying yourself with.
You sound lonely so, continue to go outside of your comfort zone and meet new people. Join a group or take a class and get out of that house. I think your bouncing off the wall, I’ve known you a long time and you’ve always had more energy than most people.
It I was to round off my advice, I’d say its not the marriage, it’s the individual in the marriage that needs tending. Hopefully, I’ve at the very least, given you something to think about.
Love and happiness from an old married lady,
Margie
I can’t understand exactly, obviously. But I’m in the process of pushing HS Marine away too. It’s so hard to stop the habit. When things get tough and I’m afraid of hurt, I shut down and shut up (believe it or not). I don’t know how to stop myself and I’m trying with all my might. I’m here if you need to chat – or to visit!
Jess,
I understand. Just remember, with love, patience and diligence it will get better.
Take care.
Jess,
You are awesome and brave for writing this. Admitting our own faults is so much harder than pretending they don’t exist. And really, it’s so much better because in even pretending here.. on your blog where people, for the most part… don’t really know you? It’s like the ultimate denial. You’re even hiding from people you don’t know.
But what you and Tim are going through?? Normal. Especially for everything you’ve gone through lately with the changes. And also? Healthy, because I have faith that you’re going to come through it. And you’re going to come through it together and the two of you will be all the more stronger TOGETHER for it. The most important thing is to not to stop talking each other. Never ever stop talking. If the communication keeps going… so will the two of you. Keep taking and communicating. Maybe not at the exact moment that you’re angry. But after. Talk and talk some more. You’ll get through it.
And don’t hide. Not from Tim… and not from us. Because really? We may have some insights. I don’t know how many of your readers are married… but I know I am and I know a few others are. My God, use us. Talk to us.
But only after you to talk to Tim.
I am so proud of you for laying this all out there. It is hard to do, especially when you guys have had a great marriage. But you two still do have a great marriage, we will always look up to you two. Even if you have rough patches because it is normal and I think it helps us grow more as a couple. I don’t think you are hiding when you are willing to lay it out there like this and pin point what you see wrong….you are taking your first step in a good direction.
You two have been through a shit load of change and that would wear on ANYONE.
I do what you do with the amount of success. I always think if the other things I SHOULD be doing and the guilt wears in on me. Balance is a hard thing to find and just when you think you have it, life shifts and the balance fucks up again.
We believe in you though and Tim. I’m a hop skip and a small car ride away when you need a weekend of talk and beverages to air out your head.
**** I just wanted to thank you guys…Tim and I both, really. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being so supportive. Thank you for your insight and kind words and honesty. It means so much – really and truly. I’ve been digesting everything you all have shared with me, both here, on Facebook and in emails. It is like a breath of fresh air from all of you…to see that Tim and I aren’t weird. We’re normal. THIS is normal. And Tim and I are working on “us,” obviously, and now that it is all out in the open, I can share what we’re up to – which is a good thing for everybody, I think.
But, my whole point here is to thank you. I’d give all of you a hug if I could. *****
Please forgive me for not reponding to your plea. Our youngest fur baby was killed yesterday and we have been beside ourselves with grief. You do however sound as if you are taking the steps to resolve the issues that trouble your wa, and your many friends here all have sound advice from my way of thinking. I have really no idea how we have managed to stay together our many years (35+), and there have been many times when we were just simply disgusted with each other for what ever stupid reason or another. but that’s just what they were, “stupid” reasons, and one or both of us saw it as such. 1 day at a time at 774, and ya’ll will be ok.
Peace, Love, Passion and a little prayer for sweet little Ruby. She left us too soon.
And don’t forget to breathe.
Hey Sweetie!
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply, me and my crazy life.
We’ve been there too. This is just a bump in the road. Once you get over it, and get in a groove you will be fine.
I know you’ve started writing, but have you thought of getting a part time job somewhere just to get out and interact with people? (Wow, I have to say that I honestly can’t believe I just said that.) Or volunteer somewhere. (I’m on a roll!)
I will keep you guys in my prayers! When the going gets tough in a marriage, it can really be tough. But you will get through it. I can tell by your post that you are in it for the long haul. I have always been able to tell how much you love Tim when you write about him, or your adventures together.
You can do this. You have my email, my FB, blog, etc and I am here for you. I’m getting ready to have quite a bit of downtime, so don’t hesitate if you need to talk or whatever.
Love ya!
Everyone experiences rocky patches. My husband and I were tested at year 3 when we moved but we were able to get past it. Marriage is hard work and if you keep trying, it should pay off.
I get so disappointed when I hear friends that do separate after only a few years of marriage. Mostly because I hear my grandma say there were a hard couple of years with her husband. YEARS.
Keeping working at it, be honest with each other, don’t stop trying to impress one another.
One of the scariest feelings in life is realizing that *you* are in the way of your own happiness – that there is no one to blame – that only you can control what’s going on. But the good news is – that means you hold the power to make things better.
Hang in there – both of you- and keep doing your best to take care of each other. : )
—> And a side note: As I reflected on my comment (wow am I wise ; ) I realized that this is where a lot of my own personal writer’s block comes from as well – realizing it is all up to me. That success comes from within… and that is scary. Why do we let it stop us? Are we THAT afraid of what happens if we aren’t successful?
Julie – Hi Dear! You have plenty going on…no worries on late responses or anything like that!
As for you suggestions – yes…I’m actually looking into things like that…I applied to be a board member on one of our town’s boards and I’m going to a volunteer meeting next week to get involved all over the place! So…I’m trying. It’s just slow going, I guess. 
Anne: Your reflection is 100% correct. It’s another piece of my “block.” I’m going to try and defeat that, though. I’m actually starting to get mad at myself for thinking that way…