Sooo…If I’ve never mentioned it before, Tim and I get up around 3:50 – yes, 3:50 in the AM – two days a week for a quick 3 mile run.

Why? We’re not *totally* crazy. It is for half marathon training.

As you can probably imagine, it requires a monumental effort to drag your entire body out of bed against your better judgement just to slog out a few miles through the darkness…even with reflective vests and headlamps (oh, yes. we’re stylin’)…it’s still super dark and things aren’t always what they seem. Noises sound different. Bushes look like monsters. Shadows are a potential serial killer.

Also? Another crazy person, who walks two MASSIVE dogs without a flashlight at 4 in the morning, once caused me to scream like I was literally about to be attacked and mauled to death.

I didn’t see them coming and Tim lightly grabbed my arm as if to say, “FYI. Watch out for the person and dogs.”

Whell. I didn’t see a person and two dogs. I saw two mammoth beasts hurling their snarling teeth and claws at my neck.

I screamed.

Loud.

Like, rattle the foundation of a house, shatter glass loud.

Then I realized what I was seeing on the sidewalk in front of me….annnnnd I felt like a complete moron.

And THEN Tim laughed at me for the rest of the run all, “Wow. So THAT’S a scream, huh?”

The person with their dogs walk on the other side of the street, now.

True story.

Anyhow, the whole point of me telling you this embarrassing piece of my life is to express to you just how dark and scary simple things are during these runs.

(and why didn’t the person have a flashlight? or a warning bell? something.)

SO. This morning Tim and I begrudgingly went out the door and started our three mile route.

We followed the sidewalk past various neighborhoods and open space and see the person and dogs. They move to the opposite side of the street. That’s normal.

We pass an Elementary school that is currently under construction.

Also normal.

We move to the right side of the dead end street that the school is on to turn into a neighborhood towards our turn around point.

Normal.

And then? Something catches Tim’s eye on the right side of the road we are turning on and jogs over to check it out.

Me, running about five feet from Tim, making my way diagonally to the sidewalk on the left side of the street: “What is it?”

Tim, running back towards me, “Uhh…you don’t wanna know.”

I glance over to what he was inspecting.

Me: “Oh my….it’s a snake, isn’t it?….isn’t it?!?….oh…oh…I don’t like this…”

I begin moaning and half crying while we’re running down the sidewalk where both sides butt up against plenty of grass where I’m sure the rest of the snakes are lying in wait.

Tim: “Just keep going.”

Me: “What if there are more?…What if they’re in the trees?!?! What if it chases me?!?!!!!!”

(incase you don’t know, I am fairly certain I have a certifiable phobia of snakes)

Tim runs ahead of me on the sidewalk, now, on snake patrol, while I’m tippy-toeing behind him, my arms flailing in the air like I’m doing some bastardized version of a rain dance.

Sorry, my Cherokee Indian ancestors.

He turns his head around all, “They’re not in the trees.”

Me: “Was it dead?? I read this article about how there are all these snakes here…more than usual…because of the weather we’ve been having…I don’t like this!…Can we go around the other way? I don’t want to run by it again…what if it gets mad?”

Tim: “I think it was dead…….but I’m not sure.”

(way to boost my confidence, dear)

Tim: “You knew there were snakes here.”

Me: “No. There weren’t any snakes here until now. If I don’t see them, they don’t exist.”

Tim: “Seriously, calm…Think calming thoughts. It’s probably dead.”

Me: “What kind of snake was if?…..Ohhhhhhh….was it a rattlesnake?!!?!”

Tim: “I don’t know…might have been…”

(OMG. Seriously, dear? And you want me to calm DOWN??)

I start holding my hands in the air all, “Namaste….Namaste….Namaste….”

Like, no joke. I was trying to commune with Buddah, right there in the street.

We finally reached our turn around point and the fear that my Namaste had calmed *slightly* went right out of my mind.

Because now we had to pass the potentially lethal, angry, fast as lightning rattlesnake. AGAIN.

Me: “What if it moved? What if it’s on the other side of the street now? What if it attacks?!?!”

Tim: “It’s more afraid of you than you are of it.”

Me: “Yah…but when I’m afraid? I run away.”

Tim: ” So does the snake.”

Me: “You don’t know thaaat!!…. And if you go anywhere NEAR that thing I’ll be mad at you for a year!”

We get to the end of the road where we now turn left to head home and I’m freaking.

Me: “Where is it!?? Where’d it go??!!?”

And what does Tim do? My knight in shining armor?

Runs right over to inspect the snake.

THE. HELL.

As I’m doing my botched rain dance again, as far away from where the snake (is it dead??? is it not dead???) is sitting, I yell over at Tim all, ” I’m mad at you for a year!”

Then, “Was it dead? Was it a rattlesnake??”

Tim rejoins me and is all, “I don’t know. I couldn’t get close enough to see it.”

Nice, smart ass.

We *almost* make it home without incident. Because apparently this morning is When Wildlife Freaks Me The Hell Out.

A few hundred yards or so from our house, I’m all, “Skunk!! I smell a skunk!! They have rabies!!!!!
Ohhh….skunks have rabies!!”

Tim was all, “Chill pill. It’s not anywhere near us.”

Me: “I smell it! It can’t be that far away! And skunks are WAY meaner than snakes! And they bite people! They have RABIES!!”

Tim: “True…”

(way to go, dear)