growing up is hard to do
8 / 15 / 2011I’m a person who, deep down, hates arguing. I’m sure Tim would vehemently disagree, since I’ll go toe to toe with him any day of the week, any time of day – no hesitation.
With anyone else? Family members included?
I clam right up.
After reflecting on why this is…I’m not afraid to lay it all out there with Tim because I KNOW that regardless of the outcome of the argument, he’s still going to love me. He’ll still be my biggest fan and my best friend. He won’t hold a grudge (I don’t think…) and his perception of me will not change.
I’m not saying I don’t think my family will stop loving me. But my whole life I’ve tried to pacify instead of butt heads, so changing that persona when it comes to my actual feelings is hard for me. Really. Hard.
For whatever reason, my entire life has been shrouded around me trying not to upset the apple cart. I’d rather just go along with something – even if I have ZERO desire to do it. I wanted to keep my street cred of, “Oh, Jessica? She’ll go along with it, no worries.” Instead of, “Oh, Jessica? She’s a pain in the asss….cot.”
But…what happens when I REALLY don’t want to do something? What happens if I tell someone that I’m not too keen on their plans? Will they be mad at me? Will their perception of me change? Will they hate me???
All of these things race through my head when I come to a crossroads between what I want versus what another person wants. Part of me wants to be the same old people pleaser and part of me wants to stand up for myself.
The thing is, though, it has been getting harder and harder to pacify the part of me that wants to tell another person how I really feel…even though doing so is almost as hard as just going along with it without saying anything. Those same feelings of, “Will they hate me??” pop up and swirl through my head while the other part of me is like, “This is what you want – so stop being a wimp and stand up for yourself already!”
If I stand back and actually analyze what I’m saying, I’d tell myself that the people who truly care about me will respect me more for being honest than for hiding my true feelings and those who get their panties in a wad probably aren’t worth it in the first place.
I’m not sure if being pregnant (oh, yes, I’m going there) has anything to do with this almost overwhelming desire to speak up instead of shut up. I know that I’m going to have to get over the incessant people pleaser part of me and instead put my strong opinions out there for others to see and understand and respect – especially when it comes to the well being and safety of my child. I know I cannot stand idly by when I’m needed to step in and take charge.
It’s a hard transition for me. I do feel better internally when I actually voice my true feelings, but it’s really difficult to break a 28-year long habit and not ruminate over what someone thinks about me after I tell them how I truly feel instead of copping out and telling them instead what I know they want to hear.
I know exactly how you feel. I can definitely “fight” with family members though, but only my immediate family. It must all stem back from being a child or something. Good luck. Just take it one person at a time!
I think it’s great that you’re reevaluating something that is so deeply ingrained in you. Just because it’s “always been this way” for you, doesn’t mean it needs to stay that way. Sure, somethings are better left unsaid, unchanged, etc. But sometimes, it feels GOOD to speak your mind, get it out on the table and just be an honest and open you (the “you” that your husband sees when you two go toe-to-toe!). And guess what? I think you’d be surprised that the reaction of others when you do open up and speak your mind won’t be nearly as bad as you’d imagined it being.
I think it is DEFINITELY the pregnancy. There’s like this whole other life you’re in charge of now. Not just 7 months from now. Right now. and you’ve got to make the decisions even now that make you the happiest and the healthiest and the most emotionally balanced. Your priorities have shifted dramatically it only makes sense that would affect every aspect of your decision making.
I’ve found that my relations with people get better when I’m upfront about what I want to do and what I don’t want to do. I think about it like this… Would I want someone faking it with me, or would I rather know the truth?
I am struggling with this too. I tend to be sort of the way you are with those outside of immediate family and M (even with those it’s tough!) but sometimes speaking your mind is what needs to be done. I think you will find your happy medium where you aren’t trouncing all over what others want just for your own needs and also not short-changing yourself and not getting what you want EVER out of it either.
Breeza: that’s good advice – one person at a time.
Jess: I agree – it probably isn’t AS BAD as I build it ip to be in my mind…it’s just permanently getting over that hump…which I’m trying to do…
Amy: so true! I didn’t really think about it that way, but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing, almost without realizing it – shifting my priorities.
John: good point…because the answer is no. I wouldn’t want someone faking it with me, so why would I do that to them?
jobo: It’s definitely a balance that needs to be found…and I suppose that only comes with experience…which means lots of trial and error…*sigh* Long road…
I totally feel ya but I don’t think it’s necessarily the pregnancy… I think it has to do with getting older. I still fear the fact that some people don’t like me. I still have a horrible need to make people like me even when I don’t like them but I think it’s lessening as I get older. I think that you have to know when to play those cards. Sometimes it’s just not worth arguing if the person really isn’t going to “get it” or do something about it so I just let it go.
I hope it is the pregnancy and the feeling that you need to have a strong foothold when this baby comes. You will want to stand your ground and be an example and I am sure part of it is fear that things won’t change? I guess it’s a role model thing too. I know I want to teach my girls how to be proud, and strong, and not take any crap, but not be a total bitch either. It’s a balancing act and all the more important to figure it out before they get here. Whatever it is – pregnancy or maturity or life insight – I hope you find the peace in your soul. I know it’s been a struggle for awhile and I know how it feels not to rock the boat and just deal.